


Samatha

by ProphecyGirl



Series: Beautiful Dream [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-02-16
Updated: 2007-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 20:37:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17815094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProphecyGirl/pseuds/ProphecyGirl
Summary: Tara, Oz, and Giles help Dawn figure out who she is.





	Samatha

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTE: 'Samatha' is a Sanskrit word meaning "a state of concentrated calmness". The song referenced in here is "Girl On My Mind" by Buddy Holly. It's not spelled wrong, it's typed out the way he sings it. Excerpt from "Siddhartha" belongs to Herman Hesse, no copyright infringement is intended.  
> DEDICATION: To the lovely, sweet, and glittering Mary Borsellino--Happy birthday, sweetie! Thank you so, so much (you know what for), and also just for being you. *hugs*

>  
> 
>   
>  _Where will you and I sleep?_  
>  _At the down-turned jagged rim of the sky_  
>  _you and I will sleep_  
>  _\--Wintu Indian_

 

I wear my wings to the airport and Buffy just shakes her head, but she doesn't really say much. They won't let her past the security gate, so we say goodbye while Tara holds the bags. Buffy makes no move to hug me, and I frown a little and glance back at Tara. She closes her eyes and ducks her head forward a little, reminding me that I know what I should do.

I wrap my arms around Buffy tightly, cupping her back and wishing I could make my happiness seep through my skin and into hers. "You can be a rose, but you have to find the sunlight first," I whisper in her ear. Tara says that all the time.

Buffy looks at me with cold, dead eyes, and for the slightest moment something flashes and I recognize a tiny piece of her still trapped inside that shell. Then it's gone, and she waves a little. I pull the fake flower from behind my ear and tuck the stem through her belt loop. "I love you," I say, and head over to the metal detector without waiting for a response.

Tara follows closely behind, and sets our bags on the conveyor belt. We get weird looks, and the metal framing of my wings sets the alarm off, but they let us through anyway.

It's cold on the plane, and Tara pulls a hand-woven afghan out of her bag and wraps it over our shoulders. People frown at us, but we ignore them and Tara reads out loud to me from "Siddhartha" while I rest my head on her shoulder.

"One-sided is everything that can be thought with thoughts and said in words - everything one-sided, everything half, everything is devoid of wholeness, of roundness, of oneness. When the sublime Gautama spoke and taught about the world, he had to divide it into samsara and Nirvana, into illusion and truth, into sorrow and salvation. There is no other choice, there is no other way for the man who wishes to teach. But the world itself, the Being around us and within us, is never one-sided. Never is a man or a deed all samsara or all Nirvana, never is a man all saintly or all sinful. It seems otherwise because we are prey to the illusion that time is a reality. But time is not real, Govinda; I have experienced this time and time again. And if time is not real, then the span that seems to lie between world and eternity, between sorrow and bliss, between evil and good is also an illusion."

She strokes my hair. I fall asleep and dream that I am standing on the shore of the river of life, and in it I can see Buffy's face floating. She is crying, and I reach out to touch her, but her image is gone, swallowed whole by an image of my mother's face looking the way she did in the morgue. I wake up crying, and Tara pulls me onto her lap and cradles me like a baby.

"Oh-oh-oh, gi-hi-hi-hirl on my mi-hi-hi-hind, please say-hay you will be mi-hine. You are the one a-hand the only. You are mine to hug and to lo-ho-ho-hove. No one could ask for mo-ho-hore, you're mi-hi-hine to-hoo adore.." she sings softly, twirling my hair around her fingers.

I kiss her fingertips and scamper off to the bathroom. She follows a few minutes later, and we kiss long and soft and sweet where no one can see. But it smells of antiseptic and lingering cigarette smoke and it feels too cheap and wrong, so she kisses me again, and we go back to our seats.

We land shortly after, and Riley meets us at the airport, holding flowers. He takes both our suitcases and jokes with us. He looks the same, except for his eyes. They are brighter than I've ever seen them. He doesn't ask about Buffy, but he hugs me for a few minutes when we talk about my mom.

That night we sleep in his bed and he sleeps on the floor with his dog curled up at his feet. Tara tells me a story about two lost fairy-glitter-girls who go on a spiritual journey to Discover Themselves and Find Their Place In The World before they Settle Down. She says Oz and Giles already know themselves and are ready to stay in one place, but tomorrow we will start our journey, just like Siddhartha. I ask if we are going to learn Guatama's teachings too, and she says we are going to learn everything.

* * *

We wake up early, and Riley's mom is making chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs, and grits. I taste the grits just to be polite, but I don't like them, so Riley makes him and I oatmeal instead. He has a little brother younger than I am named Michael, and after breakfast he asks to borrow my wings. I don't want to give them up, but Tara reminds me of That Night and I give them to him.

He puts them on and climbs onto the flat part of the roof, where he dances for us. We all laugh and Riley climbs up to get him and says we're going to pick corn for supper.

There's nothing around us for miles and miles except the farm, the fields, and Riley's black jeep. After we have picked corn and Riley showed us how to shuck it, Tara and I go out in the middle of a field and spread her afghan on the ground.

We sit with our legs crossed and meditate for awhile to achieve Inner Balance. Tara says it like it ought to be capitalized. Afterwards, I feel dazed and floaty, and then she kisses me. We make love for the first time out there, and she says how beautiful we are, even without sparkles and wings.

We lay for awhile afterwards and she asks me if I'm okay, but I am too busy smiling to answer. We watch the sun set, making the field around us glow red and orange, and she pulls me into her arms and tells me she loves me.

We walk back to the farmhouse slowly, arm in arm, and Tara conjures a little glowing ball to light our way. In all this time I have forgotten about her other magic, and when I tell her that, she laughs and floats my hair up around my face. I twirl around and around, and picture myself wearing a head-band with peace signs on it, and a big flower painted on my cheek. I imagine that I look like the girl from "The 60's" and I flop down on my back.

Tara tries to pull me up so we can go back, but I pull her down instead and say I want to stay here, like this, forever. She says we can't, because we have too much to learn. So we go back and eat dinner with Riley's family.

Afterwards, Tara and I and Riley and Michael and Buster (the dog) are all laying around Riley's room. Riley asks if we are happy, and I tell him we are. Michael asks if I like girls, and I tell him Just Tara, which makes her blush. Then I ask Michael if he likes girls and he says just his mom.

It's very early in the morning when we all fall asleep, Tara curled around me and me curled around Riley and Michael curled around Buster.

The next day is Michael's birthday, and he hides under the table when all the adults are having cake and coffee and talking loudly. Tara and Riley are talking about a class they both took, so my wings and I climb under the table too and sit next to Michael. He folds himself up around his knees and he looks so small and delicate that I want to cry, because that is what I was like before.

I reach over and touch his hair, curling the ends around my fingertips. I tell him how beautiful he is and that I didn't give him his birthday present. I take off the wings and lay them in his hands. I tell him Tara's quote about finding the sunlight, and that he should always try to glitter even when everything around him is gray.

He hugs me and I kiss his forehead. Riley crawls under the table too, banging into his mom's knees. She peeks down and shakes her head at us, and says how at least one of us kids can stay in our seat. I reach over and tickle Tara's leg. Riley's mom passes down plates of cake, and Tara slips out of her chair to join us on the floor. Riley puts a dab of frosting on my nose, and Tara licks it off while we all giggle.

Michael says this is his best birthday ever, and Riley says he shouldn't have accepted my wings, but I tell him it's okay. I say that Michael needs help remembering how to fly, but I have Tara to remind me now. Michael hugs me again and says he wishes we never had to leave, and I make Tara tell the story about the Two Girls and Their Journey again.

That night, we all sleep outside in the field, and Riley tells us about the stars and points out all the constellations. We see a shooting star, and Michael says we should make wishes, and everyone does except me because I have everything I want already.

* * *

It's time to move on, Tara says after awhile. We have a lot more to see and do before we can Settle Down, and the longer we stay in one place, the easier it is to forget that there are other places. Riley and Michael take us back to the airport, and Michael wears my wings. He hugs me and tells me he will give them back to me when he finds his own.

We all hug each other, and Riley promises that they will come visit us when we are settled in. Tara takes my hand and Michael takes Riley's and we all wave, and then Tara and I go through security and head for our terminal. I tell her I feel strange without my wings, and right there in front of everyone she conjures up another pair, except these ones look real and I can feel when she touches them, but only her. She says that only the two of us can see them, and then she kisses me, and everyone can see that, but I don't care.

I think about how lucky I am, to have someone so special that loves me so much to learn about the world with me, and it makes me sad for a moment. Most people don't have that. I hand my bag to Tara and go over to the pay phone. Tara smiles when she hears me ask to make a collect call to Sunnydale, California. Not everyone is as lucky as me.


End file.
